


Reassessing

by virgilsjourney (jenna221b)



Series: Sanders Sides Ficlets [7]
Category: Sanders Sides, Thomas Sanders
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Crying, Feelings, Gen, Grief, Hurt/Comfort, Moving On, Patton's Room, being honest, opening up to each other
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-06
Updated: 2017-10-06
Packaged: 2019-01-09 20:01:07
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,217
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12283392
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jenna221b/pseuds/virgilsjourney
Summary: Takes place some time after the Moving On resolution. Logan and Patton are still treading on eggshells around each other, and have a much needed talk.---------------------------------------------“Patton?” Logan says. His voice is quiet and careful.Patton looks up. There’s a steely glint to his eye that has Logan automatically taking a step back.“I never said you could come back in here,” Patton whispers accusingly.It’s an awful thing, Logan thinks, to hear him sound socold.“I know you- I’m sorry. I only meant to-”“Just go.” Patton bows his head, clutching onto the photographs even tighter. “I know you don’t like my room, anyway. You don’t likefeelings.” His voice cracks a little: “You don’t like me.”





	Reassessing

If Logan had been honest with himself from the beginning, he would have realised it had been too quiet. 

But that conclusion is complicated, and he isn’t  _ready_  for it, he doesn’t want it, so he simply continues to read his book. Well, it’s more just staring at the words on the page and giving a good performance of reading.

Beside him, Virgil suddenly hisses, throwing his headphones off as his hand flies to his temple.

“...Virgil?” Logan says. He tries to ignore the sudden cold dread in his stomach.

“Something- something’s wrong. Ah!” Virgil grimaces and his hand massages his forehead.

“Perhaps... Roman?” Logan suggests, hating how he actually sounds hopeful.

Virgil shakes his head. “Nah, he- he’s still working on that soundtrack, remember?”

“Ah. Well, maybe-”

“Logan! For crying out loud-” Virgil cuts himself off to take a breath, and Logan disguises that he’s doing the same thing. “Stop avoiding the obvious. It’s Patton.”

Logan’s stomach does a horrible nervous flip. “Oh. I see.”

Virgil closes his eyes, wincing. “I’m- I’m sorry. That came out worse than I-”

“No.” Logan clears his throat. “ _I_ apologise. I was merely hindering things when you’re already feeling less than ideal. I suppose I’ll just...”

Virgil opens his eyes, and Logan feels a horrible twist of guilt as he sees the trepidation in them. He stands, ready for the journey.

“I’m going alone, Virgil,” he reassures. “It’s far too soon for you to go back in his room after-after-”

“You sure?”

Logan opens his mouth, and surprises himself at what comes out: “No, I’m- I’m not.”

Virgil’s eyes soften. “That’s okay.”

Logan leaves before he can backtrack himself out of the situation. Still, he hesitates at the entrance to Patton’s room. He’s been all too familiar with the feeling of losing all sense of perspective, and it’s not something he’s thrilled at having to revisit.

Still, this is for Patton, he reasons, and sometimes doing the right thing isn’t easy.

He steps inside, and can immediately tell something is off. There’s still that golden haze to Patton’s room, but he can already sense there’s a dark tinge to it, almost as if shadows are bleeding into it somewhat. Patton is sitting in his usual spot, hunched over, clutching old photographs so tightly his knuckles are white.

“Patton?” Logan says. His voice is quiet and careful.

Patton looks up. There’s a steely glint to his eye that has Logan automatically taking a step back. 

“I never said you could come back in here,” Patton whispers accusingly. 

It’s an awful thing, Logan thinks, to hear him sound so  _cold_. 

“I know you- I’m sorry. I only meant to-”

“Just go.” Patton bows his head, clutching onto the photographs even tighter. “I know you don’t like my room, anyway. You don’t like  _feelings_.” His voice cracks a little: “You don’t like me.”

And here, here is why Logan truly cannot stand Patton’s room at times. It’s all emotion-based thinking, without any chance to reconsider, with cognitive distortions happening at an even quicker pace than Virgil’s worrying.

“Oh for heaven’s- That couldn’t be further from the truth, Patton.”

But Patton shakes his head. “Look, I- all I’m going to do is annoy you,  _teach_ , this isn’t a very logical place. I’m just going to  _inconvenience_  you.”

“That-” Logan blinks, trying to clear his head at the sudden jolt of emot-  _something_  he’s feeling. “ _That’s_  what you think?”

Patton raises his head, and stares.

Logan chokes out a laugh, and pretends he can’t hear his voice wobbling dangerously. “You think I only care if something’s  _inconvenient?_  Patton, that’s not, that’s never been-” He swallows, but the room has the words tumbling out, everything he normally would keep under lock and key: “Don’t you understand? I- I’m- I care about  _you_. I’m  _worried_  for you, Patton.” 

Patton’s lower lip wobbles. Logan walks over and kneels in front of him.

“And I’m-” he begins, and this time, he just lets his voice break. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry if it’s- whatever I do, it’s not the right thing, and I’m sorry I made things worse and I’m-” He feels a sudden lump in his throat that he cannot fight. “I’m just so  _sorry_ , Patton. I’m sorry I couldn’t understand, I’m sorry I couldn’t see you were- that you were h-hurting all this time. It- It was an unforgivable oversight.”

Patton reaches out and grabs his hand. “Stop that. Stop saying sorry. I hid it from you.”

“But that’s no excuse! I’m meant to just  _know_  these things and instead I- I let my own...” Logan swallows, and finally, finally, he admits: “I let my own  _feelings_ cloud the issue.”

Patton’s hand squeezes his. “Who told you that?”

“I- what-”

Patton lets the photographs fall, as he moves closer to Logan. “Who told you that you can only  _know_  things, and not feel?”

Logan closes his eyes, and feels tears leak out. He should be mortified, but he feels too drained to wipe them away. He opens his eyes to see Patton’s jaw dropping. “I’m- I’m meant to be the one who has the answers.”

“The only thing you’re  _meant_  to be is  _you_ ,” Patton whispers. Then, he blinks, and Logan feels his heart breaking at the sight of tears running down his cheeks. “I just- it  _hurts_ , Logan,” he says, almost whimpering.

Logan reaches forward, and he’s pulling Patton close before he can even think about it. “I know, I know it hurts. I... I feel it, too.” He feels Patton shaking against him, and he tightens his grip. “Sometimes it has to hurt, though, Patton. It has to hurt, and then... and then it can heal.”

And it’s like a dam suddenly breaking, as Patton sobs in earnest, and Logan just holds him, rocking him slightly, and he can hear himself say nonsense words of comfort, and he keeps on repeating that he’s here, and Patton isn’t alone, and he doesn’t have to hide, he  _never_  has to hide anymore.

Logan can only hope it’s enough.

Eventually, Patton raises his head. He looks dreadful, eyes bloodshot, face blotchy and tear-stained, but he finally gives Logan a shaky smile. And Logan could feel like crying, that he somehow knows this one is genuine.

Feel like... feel like...

“Oh,” Patton says. “Oh, Logan.” 

Distantly, Logan realises that his own tears haven’t stopped. He tries to wipe them away and feels his head spin, suddenly too overwhelmed. He can’t speak.

“Come on,” Patton says. His voice sounds so much stronger, now. He’s standing up, tugging at Logan’s arm. “We’re getting you out of here. It’s going to be okay.”

Logan feels the room melting away, and the next thing he knows is he’s swaying, shaky legs collapsing as Patton guides him to sit down on his bed.

Above, from somewhere, Virgil’s voice. “Woah, what-?”

“It’s okay, Virge.” Patton’s voice, strong and warm. “He saved me.”

Logan clears his throat. “So did you,” he rasps out, and he’s nearly bowled over by the strength of Patton’s hug.

They stay like that, as Virgil leaves to catch Roman up. Logan can still feel Patton trembling, and he knows this won’t be easy, but they’ve made the first steps. They’re going to be okay.

It’s a truth he both feels  _and_  knows.


End file.
